Jealousy – When Is Too Much Too Much?

In a recent interview with the Berliner Morgenpost, I spoke about jealousy. A difficult emotion to pin down, it sometimes protects us and sometimes pulls us into the abyss.

Here are some key insights into jealousy:

🗒️ At a glance

• Jealousy is a complex emotion. It can protect what matters to us, but it can also cross boundaries and cast doubt again and again, often without reason.

• It arises from the fear of losing someone important and touches on our deep need for security and belonging.

• Not every feeling of jealousy is unhealthy. It becomes problematic when it starts to dominate our thoughts and behavior.

• How we experience jealousy is shaped by earlier experiences, our ability to form bonds, and how we deal with uncertainty.

• A more grounded approach starts with ourselves, with the ability to navigate fear of loss and the understanding that absolute certainty is an illusion. Only when an affair actually happens and is admitted can there be 100% certainty.

What exactly is jealousy?Was ist Eifersucht genau?

Jealousy is the fear of losing something valuable, usually someone we love. It’s an emotional cocktail of insecurity, fear, anger, and sadness. What makes it so intense is that it touches something deeply human: our longing for safety and belonging. We are social beings. For thousands of years, our survival depended on being part of a stable group. Losing that connection could trigger a sense of existential threat. That’s why the fear of losing a relationship can feel overwhelming, even life-threatening. It can cause physical reactions like a racing heart, restlessness, or aggression. It’s the fear of suddenly losing what we’ve carefully built. Jealousy shows up in different ways. Some people withdraw in fear. Others react with anger, harsh words, or even physical aggression. It often depends on how we see ourselves. Do we feel worthy and lovable? The fear of not being enough can intensify our insecurity to the point where it becomes unbearable. But jealousy isn’t only destructive. It can also show us what really matters to us. In a balanced form, it can even function as a kind of emotional compass, a protective response that signals our need for connection.

Do babies feel jealousy?

Some studies have examined the stress responses of six-month-old infants when their caregiver directs attention to a sibling. These findings are sometimes cited as evidence that even babies experience jealousy, suggesting that it is an innate emotion. But this interpretation goes too far. Jealousy is a highly complex emotion that cannot be reduced to an innate stress response. Parenting, cultural influences, personal history, and emotional stability all play a role. To say that a baby feels jealousy implies that it already has a self-concept sophisticated enough to place itself in a social hierarchy or to perceive itself as “left out”. This seems doubtful. There are also people who feel little or no jealousy. And while studies suggest a possible genetic component, jealousy is not simply biologically programmed. It is the result of many interacting factors.

Can we be jealous of things, not people?

To answer that, it’s important to go back to what jealousy really is. The fear of losing someone with whom we have a close emotional connection. Feeling jealous of an object means that the object somehow threatens or interferes with the bond we share with our partner. In this sense, we can be jealous of anything that takes up significant attention or emotional space in the other person’s life, whether it’s a phone, video games, or time-consuming hobbies. The dynamic becomes even clearer when a partner begins to relate to an object as if it were emotionally significant. This is known as objectophilia or object sexuality. People can develop deep emotional attachments to objects that mirror the intensity of feelings normally reserved for human relationships. And this will only become more important as artificial intelligence takes on more human-like forms. If you think of sex robots, for example, it’s not hard to imagine how they could trigger feelings of jealousy.

How much jealousy is “normal” – and when does it become unhealthy?

At its core, the question is always this: to what extent does jealousy interfere with your quality of life, or might it actually serve as a kind of protective response?

In a healthy relationship, feelings of jealousy can be spoken about openly. You tell your partner how you feel, and you let yourself be reassured. The jealousy stays limited to specific situations and doesn’t permanently erode trust. When you’re able to say things like “This is where I feel vulnerable right now,” it can actually create closeness and understanding.

It becomes problematic when jealousy starts to define the overall atmosphere of the relationship. If someone secretly checks their partner’s phone, constantly seeks reassurance, or questions everyday behaviors, it feeds mistrust and puts a strain on the relationship. Conversations begin to revolve around the same fears over and over again, and at some point, one partner feels boxed in and controlled. The relationship loses its ease and starts to drain energy. At this point, it’s no longer about isolated moments of insecurity, but about a recurring pattern that weighs on the relationship. And unfortunately, it’s a sliding scale with no clear upper limit, one that can end in deep mistrust, control, and in some cases, psychological or even physical abuse.

The clearest warning sign is when jealousy starts to color nearly all of your thoughts, actions, and emotions. That’s when a vicious cycle begins—of fear, suspicion, control, and the constant pressure to protect your own sense of autonomy. It’s a painful and often tragic attempt to find security in a situation that is, by its very nature, uncertain.

Because we never truly know: What situation am I actually in? Am I putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship because I’m being led by fear? Or am I picking up on something real, because my partner is no longer fully open with me? Both can be true.

What’s so tragic is this: You only have certainty when your partner admits to having an affair. If everything is fine, there’s no way to prove it. And that’s exactly why, in a healthy relationship, it’s important to learn how to navigate these uncertainties together. Together, partners can build trust in the idea that human emotions are neither something to be denied nor something to be over-interpreted. And each person can still choose the path that feels right for them.

Why does jealousy hit some people harder than others?

Psychological and biographical factors can influence how strongly someone experiences jealousy. Those who feel emotionally dependent on their partner are especially vulnerable. For them, a breakup isn’t just a change in daily life. It can feel like a threat to their very existence.

If you’re used to comparing yourself with others or have experienced a lot of competition in close relationships, it’s even harder. Other people are then quickly perceived as threats, as someone you have to measure up to or compete against.

And of course, personal experiences and life history also play a major role in how we experience jealousy. That’s self-evident.

Past affairs, one-sided breakups, or breaches of trust can cause our internal emotional warning system to become overly sensitive, producing more false alarms. Interestingly, this can happen not only if your partner has had an affair, but also if you have had a hidden relationship in the past. This can also make it harder to feel truly secure in your current relationship.

Whether someone tends to trust easily or reacts to closeness with fear and suspicion often traces back to early childhood. Children who grow up in environments filled with jealousy or distrust often carry those patterns with them, without realizing it. If you’ve experienced rejection or had to fight for love as a child, you may be particularly sensitive to insecurity in relationships as an adult. Losses in childhood can also heighten this emotional alertness.

Social and cultural norms also shape how jealousy is perceived and expressed. Societal expectations can influence how intensely someone experiences jealousy and how they deal with it. In cultures where infidelity is morally condemned, the potential loss of status for the betrayed partner is greater. This increases the fear of being betrayed, which leads to more jealousy.

How much jealousy can a relationship take, and what role can it play?

When we think of jealousy, the more extreme forms usually come to mind. The desire to know what your partner is doing, what they’re feeling, and the constant need for reassurance that everything is okay.

But jealousy has many shades. Telling your partner you’re jealous can also mean: “Hey, you matter to me. I care about what you do.” Some couples use the language of jealousy to express closeness and affection. And if both see it that way, jealousy, when balanced, can have a stabilizing effect on the relationship. I’d say it’s not the jealousy itself that helps. It’s how the couple handles it that makes the difference.

Sometimes jealousy can also be a sign that something’s off. In such cases, it can prompt a deeper conversation about how the relationship is going, what each person needs, and how they want to support each other. And if those conversations are marked more by self-expression than blame, they can become moments of real connection.

No jealousy – a lack of love or a sign of deep trust?

Jealousy has many roots, from genetic influences to cultural norms and biographical experiences. It would be strange if we all felt the same level of jealousy. So it’s completely normal that some people are more or less prone to it.

And no, it’s not a problem if someone doesn’t feel jealous. Jealousy may be a sign of possessive love, but it’s not compatible with unconditional love. And isn’t unconditional love something we all long for?

Jealousy can mean many things. It can signal fading interest, or it can indicate a deep connection, the kind where you can wish your partner joyful experiences with others without seeing them as a threat. Whether someone is acting out of waning interest or deep love can’t be measured by the presence or absence of jealousy alone. But that’s okay. Over the course of a day, couples give each other many small signals that tell the real story.

Deep trust grows when several elements come together: openness, the courage to be vulnerable, regular conversations about how things are going in life and in the relationship, and taking responsibility for your own actions. It also depends on how emotionally mature your partner is. Whether they’ve learned to stop chasing the idea that “If I only had this or that, then I’d be okay.”

Ideally, the absence of jealousy is a sign that your partner feels secure enough to face life without fear and has the inner capacity to say: Even if my partner had an affair, I would find a way to deal with the pain.

How do we cope with the fact that absolute certainty is impossible?

First, it’s important to figure out how much jealousy feels okay for both partners. Is jealousy part of your love language, part of the way you show care? Or does one of you feel limited or boxed in by it? Let’s not forget the subtle dynamics where one partner tries to trigger jealousy in the other, consciously or unconsciously, in order to feel secure in their position. Self-awareness helps to understand your starting point and clarify where you want to go together.

The deeper issue is this: You can never be completely sure that everything is okay. That’s why finding out about an affair can, paradoxically, bring a sense of relief. At least you finally know.

So the real question is: How much security can we realistically feel in a situation where everything seems fine? And how do we deal with the fact that 100% certainty is never possible?

For some people, this lingering uncertainty becomes unbearable. Their mind starts spinning, and suddenly everything feels suspicious. This is where many caring partners make the mistake of offering concessions that don’t actually help. I once worked with a client who was persuaded by his partner to ask his coworkers not to leave him work-related voicemails. On the surface, this signaled: “I take your fears seriously and I want to protect you.” But the deeper message was: “Maybe there’s something real behind your irrational fears. Let’s take them seriously.” That doesn’t strengthen the relationship, nor does it help either person build emotional resilience.

Partners need to keep talking about how they experience the relationship. And the message should be: Yes, I see your pain. But no, I won’t agree to behaviors that restrict me and don’t help us.

How to stop jealousy from taking over

At its core, this is about learning to live with uncertainty. Every relationship goes through a dreamy phase and then a more sobering one, where we begin to see that even in the best relationships, there can be feelings that challenge loyalty and shared commitments. Some people seem to be “lucky” and never wake up from that initial illusion. They never have to confront their own insecurity.

Dealing with jealousy means entering a personal growth process and learning not to fear uncertainty. Trying to get rid of jealousy without facing the underlying fears won’t work. Maybe I can bury it deep inside me, but chances are it will resurface at the worst possible moment.

What helps is to acknowledge the jealousy and say to yourself: “I see you. You’re trying to protect me from something, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m going to take care of what you’re afraid of, so you don’t have to show up anymore. From here it’s a matter of choosing a path. The usual way – controlling your partner – is tragic. It only makes things worse. Because in the end they have to break free of that control.

What really helps is turning toward the root. That means facing the deeper fears, like the fear of being alone or the belief that you can’t take care of yourself. That’s the place where real certainty can grow.

The certainty: I will survive, even if the seemingly worst happens. I will be able to deal with it and find a good way forward. Once you’ve found that certainty within yourself, jealousy no longer needs to protect you. And you begin to look to the future with more calm and confidence – no matter what it may bring.