Relationship Break – Does It Really Work?

The Berliner Morgenpost interviewed me at the end of November on the topic of relationship breaks. Here, I share some additional thoughts that go beyond what fits into a newspaper article.

During my research, I came across many statements suggesting that relationship breaks are successful if couples follow certain rules. There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality is often more complex.

The following three points should be kept in mind when considering the possibility of a relationship break and trying to navigate it wisely.

📋 At a glance

• Rules can help. But couples on the brink of separation often find it difficult to come to an agreement. Had they been able to, a breakup might not have been necessary.

• Relationship breaks are a way of dealing with anxiety. They can help to alleviate fears such as those of a final separation or of hurting your partner. At the same time, however, they can also fuel fears, such as the fear of being abandoned or the fear of loneliness. Successful relationship breaks therefore often require a great deal of emotional self-regulation.

• What does the stat say? Most relationship breaks ultimately lead to separation, with only about 20% resulting in improved relationships. While a positive outcome is possible, it is far from guaranteed.

1. Relationship Break: What is it?

In theory, a break is a conscious decision to take a step back in order to calm down and regroup. It is an attempt to avoid recurring conflict, combined with the hope that things will be different after the break. The term “break” therefore suggests that the couple intends to stay together for the long term.

However, couples are rarely so aligned—especially not in situations where they are considering a temporary separation. A break can quickly turn into a breakup by installments or may be intended as a trial separation from the outset. Alternatively, it might be announced impulsively and unilaterally. In such cases, there is no shared goal, leaving one partner feeling abandoned and left to navigate the situation alone.

2. Is a Relationship Break the Right Choice?

A break can save a relationship, but it is more of a last-resort measure than a regular tool for relationship maintenance. It can strengthen the bond, particularly if individuals use the time to focus on themselves. They can regain energy or clarity about what they need to be fully invested in the relationship and regain curiosity about their partner.

It can also be helpful when an immediate separation feels too painful, providing an opportunity to explore your feelings about a potential breakup. In this case, it does not so much fulfill the hope of strengthening the relationship, but rather paves the way for difficult decisions.

It is less effective if the decision to separate has already been made but the courage to communicate it clearly is lacking. In such cases, a break risks fostering false hope and potentially creating additional resentment, making a conscious and respectful separation more challenging.

3. Top Reasons Couples Take a Relationship Break

A sense of exhaustion. The relationship feels draining, consuming more energy than it provides. The couple finds themselves stuck in repetitive patterns, and at least one partner views distance as a more restorative option.

The most common causes include:

• Feeling a loss of self and an inability to express yourself authentically in your partner’s presence. A break offers time to reflect, reconnect with your individuality, and recharge.

• Individual challenges such as trauma, addiction, or unresolved emotional conflicts, which can place significant strain on the relationship. In such cases, a break can provide the space needed to explore new approaches to addressing these issues.

• Sometimes, the focus isn’t even on reconciliation. The relationship break functions more as a trial separation, allowing both partners to determine whether they are truly better off apart.

Relationship breaks are often an attempt to deal with one’s own fears, such as the fear of being alone, the fear of being abandoned, or the fear of hurting others. The term “break” implies a temporary state, offering a sense of relief by reducing direct exposure to these fears.

4. Do Older Couples Take Relationship Breaks Too?

In principle, relationship breaks are not a matter of age.

Younger couples may be more likely to take a break, as they are often in a phase of self-discovery. Additionally, the younger generation tends to be less inclined toward long-term commitment, making it easier for them to opt for a temporary separation or even a permanent breakup.

For older couples, significant life changes—such as children leaving home, retirement, or questions about the meaning of life—often play a role. These transitions can spark doubts about the path taken so far. A relationship break can provide an opportunity to pause, reflect, and realign priorities.

5. Relationship Breaks When You Have Children: Is It Even Possible?

Yes, of course, why not? However, as with permanent separations, there are a few things to consider.

It’s essential to organize the coordination required for parenting in a way that doesn’t undermine the purpose of the break. In other words, partners should avoid falling back into old patterns of conflict. Modern tools, such as electronic scheduling and communication apps, can help facilitate this process effectively.

Communication with the children is a crucial aspect. The break should be explained in an age-appropriate and transparent manner, without causing unnecessary uncertainty. Ideally, it should be framed as an effort to create a better family dynamic in the future—though only if this truly reflects the intention behind the break.

Most importantly, never devalue your partner in front of the child. Children feel a part of their parents and often internalize criticism directed at either one. Every harsh word aimed at your partner is like an arrow striking your child’s heart. You should take your frustrations out on your friends or therapist.

6. How to Set Rules for a Successful Relationship Break

Clear rules are crucial. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even call it a break, but rather a trial separation. Four points are particularly helpful:

First, define the purpose of the pause. What should change? In some way, it should always be about each person working on themselves, for example, finding out what they need to be more whole in their relationship afterwards. Simply wishing for a break is too vague and not enough to create lasting change.

Second: Decide together if and how you will stay in touch during the break. Is it helpful to talk regularly, or do you need to be completely apart?

Third, establish clear boundaries: what is allowed during the break, and what is not? In most cases, dating should remain off-limits in a monogamous relationship, since the break is meant to strengthen the existing relationship. The clearer the rules, the less likely it is that misunderstandings or hurt feelings will arise.

Fourth, plan how to move on after pausing. Agree on when and how you will reconnect. At the end of the break, discuss what you’ve learned about yourselves and how you plan to approach your relationship differently moving forward. Skipping this step risks rendering the break ineffective, allowing old habits to quickly take control again.

All of this is undeniably challenging. The million-dollar question is: why should couples suddenly be able to have such constructive conversations now? If things had worked well in the past, the break wouldn’t have been necessary. But it is precisely this distance that can bring relief – sometimes so much so that it creates space for a new, positive dynamic. At the same time, it may be the right time to seek support. This could be friends who simply listen and offer support, or couples counseling to help steer conversations in the right direction.

7. Are Relationship Breaks Effective?

Unfortunately, there is very little systematic research on this topic. Furthermore, a lot depends on how consciously the relationship break is taken and with what goal.

What is certain is that a relationship break is not a “vitamin injection” to occasionally boost a well-functioning relationship. Instead, it is often a last-ditch effort before a potential breakup—and in most cases, it does not prevent separation. The studies I know of suggest that in about 15% to 25% of cases, couples get back together and the relationship is strengthened.

Given the starting point, I don’t think that’s a bad rate. Moreover, couples can influence it themselves. With counseling and a thoughtful approach to the break, they can increase their chances. There are many couples who have found more of themselves and their love of life by taking a break.