In times of crisis, sticking together matters more than ever. With Covid-19, families and generations are facing a situation like this for the first time. In all the uncertainty, we must not forget to focus on the right questions: “How do we protect the people around us? Both risk groups and our children?”
For the online Corona Congress, couples counselor Ralph Piotrowski answered the question of how partners and families can get through everyday life in one piece.
Alexander used to be my middle name; today it is the name I go by. That is why some interviews still call me Ralph.
Ralph Piotrowski introduces himself
Interviewer: Welcome, today we are talking to Dr. Piotrowski. It’s good to have you here, and thank you for taking the time. Your work includes couples therapy, and we invited you because we believe that right now, in the current situation, there are of course many couples who probably keep running into the same problems, and many people who are going through the crisis. That’s why we are really looking forward to talking with you and asking you a little about your views and your experience. Perhaps you could briefly introduce yourself and say a few words about what you do and offer in your practice.
Ralph Piotrowski: I’m Ralph Piotrowski, I’m a couples therapist. I work here in my practice with very different couples on very different questions. I’m also an organizational consultant at SOCIUS Organisationsberatung and work a lot with groups and conflicts and difficult situations in teams. One thing that comes up again and again is how we deal with emotions, emotional self-determination. How can we actually give ourselves more room to maneuver?
How does Covid-19 affect a relationship?
Interviewer: We all have to deal with emotions. We can’t free ourselves from them, and that’s only human. What is particularly in focus at the moment, and particularly difficult for many couples, are family situations, above all situations with children in the current crisis. What are your experiences, or what issues come up when families or couples come to you looking for help at the moment?
Ralph Piotrowski: My experience is that people go into the corona crisis from very different situations. There are people who have more time, who are at home more, whose livelihood isn’t threatened at all, for whom it is more of a change in lifestyle. And other people who are under very heavy stress and have to make very difficult decisions. Or people whose own health is affected, or for whom even more existential issues play a role. So, to begin with, people are affected on very different levels.
Most of the people I work with are at home, tied to a family context, working from home, or have lost a lot of their work, which has completely changed their lives.
- What does that mean for children?
- What does that mean for families?
- What does that mean for living together?
My experience is that the basic issues aren’t all that different at first. It’s more like a magnifying glass that makes the existing issues visible and sharpens them. At the same time, it isn’t only a difficulty. For many it is also an opportunity. […] Especially for couples, depending on their situation, there is also the chance to spend more spontaneous time together. And depending on the path you are on, I would say it also amplifies a couple’s basic dynamic.
There are couples who are growing together. They experience what is happening right now as very positive, because they have more time, more time for reflection, more time for spontaneous encounters, and also for dealing with problems together.
For couples who are having problems with each other anyway, where there is a lot of pointing fingers at each other […], the pressure is harder.
An existential crisis in an exceptional situation
Interviewer: I’d like to go through a few scenarios with you, because, as you said, situations always differ. Let’s take the situation in which a family’s livelihood is under threat. That is something our generation hardly knows. We grew up in a country with a great deal of security and were protected from any kind of crisis. And now suddenly something like this comes along that nobody expected at all. What is your approach, or what can you give those who are in this kind of situation right now? What should people look at in order to deal with it as well as possible?
Ralph Piotrowski: Being existentially threatened is a very broad question. I think it’s difficult to find an answer on that level. You would have to look very specifically.
- What is the starting point?
- Is it a problem of perception?
- Are fears in the foreground that may not really be justified, given the social support measures and the social environment most people are embedded in?
- Or is it actually a health risk, an immediate threat to someone’s existence?
Then it’s about finding a perspective. Instead of sliding into a situation where you freeze like a deer in the headlights, you look at what is actually becoming difficult, what options you have, and what resources you can draw on. Maybe there are more resources than you can see in that moment, whether in potential support from the people around you or in forms of help you can make use of. Right now in particular, a lot of help is being offered free of charge, there is a lot of solidarity, there is a lot of support among neighbors and friends. I think interrupting this feeling of “I’m all on my own” and realizing “No, we are not alone! We can ask, and we will get support!” is what matters.
When both parents suddenly look after the children
Interviewer: Then there is also the scenario where both partners have jobs, are normally very busy and often away from home. But suddenly they find themselves both at home, looking after the children all day. How does that affect the dynamic of the relationship? Do you also have experience of how to take some of the pressure off when it isn’t a relationship that works all that well?
Ralph Piotrowski: As a first step, whatever was already there gets amplified. In this situation, we fall back on our old patterns more strongly. We have different coping mechanisms. How do we deal with problems? At first, that becomes more visible. And there is an opportunity in this, because you can learn more about yourself. Observing how you actually function, and noticing what happens inside you, holds a great opportunity. That is very visible and very much in the foreground right now.
The first important step is to treat yourself with kindness. That means looking and noticing: “This is how I’m doing, and it’s okay that I feel this way. It’s also okay that I’m stressed, and it’s also okay that I’m not living up to my own standards right now, so to speak.” What matters is to practice this kind of patience with yourself first, and then with your partner too.
What the situation also makes possible, especially when arguments are taken very personally and to heart, is that you can let go of blame, and rightly so. It probably isn’t the other person or you at all. It’s the generally difficult situation that is having an effect, and it only seems to you as if your partner is the problem.
You should also look at how you can take the pressure off the situation and organize it, because things often get a bit cramped and you often have no space left for yourself. For couples, I recommend a big shift toward the feeling that you are handling the situation together. It is a difficult situation, and couples shouldn’t blame each other for it. Couples in this situation should have each other’s backs instead of wearing each other down. Of course, it keeps happening that couples end up in an argument. But that’s okay, that’s allowed too. It would be superhuman if it didn’t happen. Couples just need to come back quickly so they can talk about it again.
In very practical terms, something a lot of people are doing right now, and something that is also smart in this situation, is to structure the day in a more disciplined way, to talk this structure through together and so create reliability in the daily routine, above all reliability about when you have time for yourself. Then you can bear the other, more strenuous parts much better, because you know that, for example, you have two hours in the evening to lie down, watch a series, or go for a run, perhaps without having to deal with the children. Jesper Juul, a family therapist, once said:
“Children can only ever do as well as their parents are doing.”
Jesper Juul, family therapist
I think it’s a very true statement, saying that first your own foundation has to be strengthened, so that you can act from there and be there for others.
You can find part 2 of the interview in the article: “What to do when partners distance themselves?”
